I still have to figure blogspot out. and it seems to be pretty public. So I might end up there, or back here.

"I wake up every morning in the queen sized bed
with the dark wine red sheets we should be sharing
and there's a space to my right
a cold place
where you're not there.
I make breakfast for myself in the kitchen
where you're not whistling, standing there in your bed-head and underwear
and asking me if we have orange juice left.

Nobody leaves the toilet seat up
or leaves drips of Listerine and shaving cream
on my bathroom counters.
I don't make home-cooked meals very often, because
you're not here to praise them, or pretend you like them, and lie badly.

I might be able to go dancing, if you were there to dance with me.
Otherwise there's no point in going.
I don't have photos of our honeymoon.
Even travel hurts my heart, because I turn to share a view with you,
and there's nobody there.
My pictures of Paris and London
are all pictures of me. Standing there by myself, looking wistful.
I don't call you on the phone
Just to say I love you.
I never hear that, not even just your voice.

I'm so alone.
Find me. It hurts living without you.
I think of you every day. Sometimes,
I admit, I cry because you're not here with me.
It hurts.
Please just come find me and save me.
I wish I knew your name."

I realize some of you may never speak to me again because I don't believe something the same as you.

I believe in being able to peacefully disagree with my friends, because different beliefs don't mean I like them less.

But I'd think less of myself if I didn't say where I stand, and those of you who know me well might also.

I am in Support of Proposition 8 here in California. I believe you can't call it Marriage unless it's between a Man and a Woman. That's my stance and I'm sticking to it.

I do not hate gays. I have several friends who live that lifestyle. I don't think it's right, but I don't tell my friends how to live, and they know what I believe but we don't let our different beliefs and lives stop us from being friends.


If this statement makes you feel like ripping me a new one- Don't. Please. I'm not going to change my mind, and screaming at me on the internet makes neither of us feel any better.

I need to lose a little weight. Sadly I already am losing some but not in the right way. I'm not eating right. Normally I have a crazy active appetite. Always wanting to eat. Lately I'm not eating much.
Nothing I used to enjoy is very fun anymore. Honestly I'm just lonely. My days seem to revolve around waiting for my friend to get home.
I need to go back to school, like at Palomar. I need to get out there and face dealing with people again. Honestly that number of strangers gives me a bit of a fear/hate attack. I've been a closet misanthropist most of my life. I like some people, but people as a noun in general.. I kinda hate them. I feel bad admitting that but I don't really like people at all lately. I don't make friends very easily either.
And now I'm babbling. I just now realized I'm posting this for lack of anything better to do, besides go clean some more. *&^% I'm tired of cleaning. It's never done, and it's always waiting to BE done.

..I will make an entry on my rarely used LJ.
I live in a house- the Castle- now with 'Adarhysenthe' and "Pixie", which is what I shall call our newer roomie who's almost-fiancee is in Iraq. Once he gets back she'll be getting married to him a few months after that, but until then it's us three. I do a sporadically updating comic concerning our life in the Castle.
I go to a studio art school and am still studying to become a Fine Artist of the representational and illustrational sort. Fiddling with comicking on the side. I now have my personal studio in the house, which is much convenient. Yes.
Gaming more than ever before, and have joined the SCA.

It's almost four am and I should attempt to make myself sleep now. My sleep schedule is all whacked out.

I have been playing for years. I own a closet's worth of garb. I am planning arms, have chosen colors, and have a given name. I have cookbooks, tactics books, armoring books and many, many PDF files devoted to research of something I am not taking a degree in. I have a small canvas tent and camp gear.

Now, finally,
it's official.
I have joined the SCA.

( If you don't know what it is, click here http://www.sca.org/ )

You Know You're In The SCA When:

# you yell "Huzzah" at mundane events instead of cheering "normally".

# you can eat equally well with a dagger or a fork.

# you have period garments for a black-tie event, but no mundane ones.

# at a formal dinner party, you politely grab your sleeve to keep it from dropping in the food, only to realize you're wearing a Modern dress.

# you return to work after a weekend event, only to find you left all your money in your belt pouch.

# you're watching what's been billed as the most romantic scene in any movie ever, and all you can think is: What kind of armor is he wearing?

# you can curse in Gaelic, but you aren't Scottish

# you visit a period castle, museum, historical site, etc. and you can spot the mistakes in the tour guide's lecture.

# you reality check wargames and role-playing games.

# you watch Henry V (or the Zeffirelli Romeo and Juliet) over, and over, and over again - for the costumes/fighting scenes.

# your immediate household consists of only two rather small roomies but you justify your ownership of a full-sized van/pickup truck/SUV saying, "We'll need the extra space for events!"

# your reaction when you see some sort of handicraft is "I can make that”.

# you're annoyed because the armor at the art museum isn't displayed so that you can get a good photograph of the back/insides.

# your hobby takes more of your time than your job.

# you start to wear your hair the way your persona might have worn his/hers.

# you have to remind yourself not to call that tourist in the checkered golf pants "Sir" just because he's wearing a white belt.

# you can make bread faster than you can program a bread machine.

# your friend invites you to a "dress nice" party, and you realize that your best looking clothes are your court garb.

# your friend tells you her new boyfriend works in a fabric store and your first thought is "How cool!"

# your church class is going over the Armor of God... and they ask you to bring examples.

# you have to find something else to wear on Halloween, because your garb just doesn't feel like a costume anymore.

# sharpening and scouring your knives, axes, swords and spears is not only an entire evening's work, but an entire evening's entertainment!

# you answer your own front door with "Who goes there?"

# (You’re female and) you've walked straight into a door on a Monday morning because you just expected the man you're entering with to stop and open it for you.

# you automatically evaluate any large dining area or hall for its suitability and probable availability for an SCA event.

# you're in the university's financial aid office and see a sign "LINE FOR PELL GRANTS" and think "That's a painful way to work your way through college."

# bad heraldry and/or costuming has ruined an otherwise decent movie for you.

# a sign on the side of the road says "MCDOT", and you see "McDot", not M-C-D-O-T

# you sneer at sword fights in films because any fool can tell they're not within striking distance of their opponents.

# you receive a Tandy Leather sales flier in the mail, and don't think twice about the fact that the leather therein is being advertised as "perfect for regulation SCA combat".

# there are leg armor and vambraces baking in your oven. (To make sure the wax really penetrates)

# buying Saffron from a health food store means a new "dye" not a new "diet".

(author unknown, all listed here DO apply to me.)




In other news,

I've been continuing the battle against Depression. It tends to make me physically ill and my nerves very raw and fragile, but lately I'm doing so much better. Having hobbies helps. Having time managed helps.
I've taken the spring quarter off of classes in order to work on this, and I think it really helped. I do try to practice as much art as I can, although the Studio is not up to par yet.
Today I cleaned the whole kitchen, and most of the dining room and scrubbed ALL the wood flooring downstairs.I feel accomplished. And exhausted.

First I selected my materials. I already had the thick armor grade vegetable tanned leather, 13 oz or so. Solid stuff. Just enough for what I need.
I went to the craft store and bought some flat bias tape for bindings, and a block of beeswax.
Then I had to go to my studio and pick up my chest form. Time to make a breastplate.

Now, I made this form out of plaster, back when I first knew I'd be doing this project, but since then it has been.... entertaining, to say the least.. to try to explain to my friends, and my Boyfriend why there is a female torso with very Ample Curves sitting on the floor of my studio.


I brought the things all home to the apartment and used a rubbish bin, scrubbed clean, to soak the leather. I don't exactly have a bucket to borrow for this purpose.
Vegetable-tanned leather turns water you soak things in a deep rusty color. Tannic acid used comes from oak trees, so the water smells oaky. Not to mention the soaked leather, which smells like wet cow. Combine Leather with Wet Dog and you get a pretty clear idea.

After soaking, there's forming. I pressed the leather to the chest form and tied it tightly down with the bias tape. Cloth is best for ties because string will mark the leather.

Hold on- I have to go check the oven-
Ow. Hot. Slightly burned fingers. Ouch. But it's almost done. Now it just needs a little longer.

Anyway, I tied the leather to the form, and that was slippery work. Then I let it dry for hoooours, (right, like two) sped along by the hairdryer in my impatient hand. If you try to wax-harden damp leather, very very bad things will happen to it, according to Cariadoc's Miscellany. (My auto-spellcheck doesn't like his name, by the by)

Once the leather was mostly dry and holding shape, I tightened it and got it to curve properly by soaking the edges in boiling water. This makes leather darken and shrink drastically, but just applied to the edges it got a perfect form fitting shape to the thing.

I took the leather and put it in the oven at a low heat. This got it dry in about forty-five minutes. Preparing the beeswax took a little more work.

While the oven heated I tried many various and odd ways to cut or carve the stuff, but it was too sticky to be cut, too dense to be drawn with string like clay, too thick to chop, too tacky to whittle... Finally what ended up actually working was simply gnawing on it with my widdle teefs. (nom, nom)
I *bit* chunks off it and dropped them into a wooden bowl until I had enough to work with. Luckily beeswax smells heavenly and has no flavor, nor is it toxic at all.

Once the leather piece was fully dry, I applied beeswax chunks and slid it back into the oven, until the wax softened enough to be spread all over the leather. It was at this point that I singed my fingers handling wax just a wee bit too hot for comfort. So my fingertips are tender now. Worth it though.

Since then I have been smoothing the wax over the leather at intervals as it liquifies and soaks deep into the water-hardened leather. It's almost done.
The final product is a beautiful breastplate to wear under my scale armor that will protect my chest well.

Not bad, considering I've never done this before. *grin*

Your results:
You are Jean-Luc Picard

Jean-Luc Picard 70% Chekov 65% Will Riker 65% Deanna Troi 65% An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 65% James T. Kirk (Captain) 60% Uhura 50% Mr. Sulu 50% Beverly Crusher 50% Mr. Scott 45% Geordi LaForge 45% Data 44% Spock 42% Worf 40% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 20%

A lover of Shakespeare and other fine literature. You have a decisive mind and a firm hand in dealing with others.

Click here to take the "Which Star Trek character are you?" quiz...

So I've given up pretty much on reaching that 50000 words mark by the deadline, but I do mean to keep writing. Other stories have also been bouncing around in my head, but I'm letting them soak for a while.

Life has been kind of crazy lately. I have tons of people to thank for Comments on DeviantArt that I have not thanked yet. I left my sketchbook (read: security blanky) at the Atelier. I did not get too much cleaning done today. Rar. Time to make a list to see what's doing tomorrow...

And just to enjoy myself, a Meme:

1.) Choose up to three of your Original characters:

These guys are my originals from Firefly RPs

Captain Azure Rivera, Spunky and slightly crazy young woman.
Leo, That's his whole name, The First Mate and hired muscle, all 6' 9" of him.
Tobias "Monkey" Allens, short for Greasemonkey, he's a fine mechanic, a lively guy, even if he's a Small Person. ( just over three and half feet tall, if you must know)




2.) Describe, in full, how your characters would react to being dropped directly into Spain's annual "Running of the Bulls".

Rivera: *looks around* *blinks* WAAAHHHHH!! *Runs*
Leo: *scowls and fires shots into the herd so it parts and runs around him*
Monkey: *shins up the nearest lamp post for a safer, better view* WhooHoo!!


3.) What sort of animal might your character want as its companion, and why?

Rivera: A dog would be good, if it could be trained not to crap on my decks.
Leo: Dog. Nothing else half so loyal or companionable.
Monkey: I think I'd want a gecko!

4.) What sort of school subject would / has your character excell / excelled in?
Rivera: Surprisingly, sciences. I wasn't a total loss in school ya know.
Leo: (barely literate, but would have done very well in Football)
Monkey: Shop!


5.) What made your character decide to do what he / she wanted to do?

Rivera: Driving fast speeders at a valet parking job, being free to go anywhere I wanted on my hoverboard..
Leo: I just do what I do. You're awful nosy.
Monkey: Oh I love fixing things.


6.) Drink of choice?

Rivera: Good fountain soda. Or real strawberry lemonade.. I had some once..
Leo: Whiskey.
Monkey: I'll have a beer. You buying or shall I?


7.) What's your character's pet peeves?

Rivera: Nosy Alliance officers who ask you questions just to make you twitch.
Leo: Why does peanut butter have to be so wreckin' good but so d@mn sticky? Oh, and fools. I can't stand stupid people.
Monkey: Rust...How I hate it.. Gummin' up the engine parts..

8.) An outfit they'd never wear; but probably look good in!
Rivera, Evening gown.
Leo, suit.
Monkey.... will wear anything he can find in his sizes that's not Children's wear.


9.) Pick an overture for your character / entering themesong.
Rivera, Life Is Short, Butterfly Boucher
Leo, Fly From The Inside, Shinedown
Monkey, Rock This Town, Stray Cats


10.) Any last words?

Rivera: Seeya.
Leo: ...
Monkey: Bye!

OMGAWSH i have a tablet!!!!! ALl other joys and pains are nil, for I have a tablet! Graphite tablets for photoshop are luv. *mad dancing*

And it's fall here, wow. That was quick and abrupt. Right on schedule, Equinox, and BAM there you go. Suddenly I need a sweater. And socks. More socks.

So the other night I got my boyfriend plastered-
No seriously, literally. I covered his face with rigid-wrap, which is plaster soaked cheesecloth that sets hard, and I'm making a mask. We're going to a Halloween Masque as Dulcinea and Don Quixote. Pictures later!

I found a program locally that would let me get a BFA in Media and Game Art- it'd be fun, and I'd have to aquire at least one system and learn to play. I'd like to try FFXII honestly. Not sure if I have the patience for video games. Or if that's what I want to do with this part of my life.. Argh. So many choices

So I'm deciding whether to move somewhere else to go to school, and lose my awesome art classes here, Or to stay here, keep becoming a fine artist and get a BFA in media art as in Gaming art.

I can't work on my costume for the Masque I'm going to until the dress half of it gets here- Hurry up, postal service!!

I am in the process of cleaning out my wardrobe. Slowly. Very very slowly. Yargh.

I have learned two new songs on my guitar. The great thing about Irish-scottish folk music is that it requires about six chords. Total. For all the songs. Ever. So if you can play D, A, G, C, and Em, you've got like half the songs I know covered. I'm brushing up on mine because I'm taking my guitar to our BiAnuual Renfaire. Wheeeee!!

this was cool, I stole it from Kaichi.







in other news,
New England is very very wet and green. In summer!!

I was busy this morning around the house, then I went and had a talk with my mom and my therapist and it brought up several issues tied to the person I used to be, this other, meek and timid insecure person, and it was pretty painful honestly. I don't like dragging that interior out into the open. It's sensitive. So I had a headache the rest of the day while running errands.
Yes I see a therapist. Talk therapy from someone firmly grounded in reality is just professional advice. I strongly advocate the idea, it's healthy.

I went and registered for my classes, then Adara and I got Wendy's food for dinner and sat on the beach and ate it, and now I'm just tired, so I came home and curled on my bed.
That was my day, as transcripted from a conversation I had with a good friend over AIM.

I'm going to go visit one of my friends in New England and I'm excited about going and seeing her! *dances tiredly* WHeeeeee so yes that's good.

My birthday occured recently and I am a pretty darn happy kid about it. Well, less and less a kid as the years go but hey.
The Boy I'm kinda sorta dating (heehee!!) dropped by my place to wish me happy birthday, and my friends all related best wishes throughout the day. My mom and my two little sisters and I trucked along the long old freeways to Sea World for the day, and petted the dolphins and saw the shows and walked a lot a lot a lot, and I now have a plushie otter sitting here with me.
He shall be named Cosby and he shall be Mine.

For my birthday I got a nice dinner, moneys, music, a few movies, a beautiful horse sculpture, a book my sister liked and wished to share with me...
I admittedly did not get a pair of heavy duty fencing masks, but eh, that's what the money is for, muahaha.

I am actually alive- I know I've been off LJ but I've been unwell and dealing with things in my life, so time got short and I slacked on the nonessentials. I'm fine now, or better anyway, and life improves.

I am an art student/rookie-professional-artist, and these few rays of sunshine are from when I worked at a theme park doing Caricature Sketches.:p I posted them on the fantastic site CustomersSuck.com , so now I will post them here for you all.

An average day involved a lot of me standing around in my "clownsuit", the hideous uniform. Now, that thing is twice as ghastly as the park's regular employee uniform, because "Company-I-Worked-For"'s not really part of The Park. My company is a mere concessionaire and, as such, does not deserve to wear humanizing uniforms.

The uniform involves stripey shirts in at least three different very bright colors as well as huge 80's pants. You know, the "business/polo pants" that are supposed to be "dressy casual", with tapering legs, wiiiiide hips, and a teeny waist? Oh and the kicker: they have pleats in the front, too.
Now, I may be a curvish figure, but those things have way too much hip room and not enough waist room for even me. I finally traded 'em in at Wardrobe for some huge ones so I could belt them and still breathe- I just rolled up the cuffs so they didn't drag.

I have routinely had park Guests ask me, "Do you work here?" See above description of what I was wearing. :doh:
It's all I can to keep myself from answering the way I did mentally- A few times I know I musta just peeled my biggest grin and said it right to them- "No Sir, but these are my very favorite colors, I just love wearing 'em Sir."

One of the little art booths I rotated schedules to man was right next to the entrance to the Park's Most Popular Ride. Said entrance, picture it if you will, is almost fifty feet of huge hedgework neatly trimmed, with a thirty foot gate in the

the center, and beside it three foot red letters proclaiming, "Park's Most Popular Ride".

Now, the art booths I worked at also functioned as information booths, because since we were there, we [I]had[/I] to know. Nevermind that we were not Park employees; Location is the thing, y'know.
Normally I am only to happy to help people out with odd questions or even normal ones- gives one the warmfuzzies- but one time I just could not help myself.
Now, the art booths I worked at also functioned as information booths, because since we were there, we [I]had[/I] to know. Nevermind that we were not Park employees; Location is the thing, y'know.

Normally I am only to happy to help people out with odd questions or even normal ones- gives one the warmfuzzies- but one time I just could not help myself.:D

A lady approached me, glancing back over her shoulder at the stymied family group who seemed to have elected this woman their spokesperson.

I smiled and chirped, "Can I help you Ma'am?"

She waved at the aforemention shrubbery, gate and proud red letters. "Can you tell me- Is this the entrance to the 'Park's Most Popular Ride'?"

I blinked, rocked back on my heels, looked at the woman, then at the gate with its lettering, then back at the woman, and with all the sincere gravity I could muster replied, " You know, Ma'am, from here I.. really can't tell."

I'm going to Hell. :)

There has been a terrible tragedy in Virginia, and my heartfelt prayers go out to all those affected by this horrible thing, in Virginia and around the nation.

However, apparently there are now people shallow enough to use the incident as a springboard for their gun control lobbying.
At the risk of stooping to that level I absolutely have to take a stand and counter this with my drop in the bucket.



REPEAL AND CRIMINALS WILL STILL OWN GUNS.

It is perfectly true that if one of those students had a permit to carry a concealed firearm they might- might- have been able to shoot the murderer.

Repeal our right to carry arms and out goes out right to defend ourselves. If someone wants to shoot me they'd better have to count on me shooting back.

Bombs are illegal too. Look how well that works.

Please, please consider the lack of logic in thinking that making guns unlawful will somehow mean they won't be used for unlawful purposes.

I hate to rant, but I have to stand firm on this one. I revere and protect my right to bear arms in defense of myself my family, friends and country

...is the name of the Medieval/Celtic music group I now seem to be in. Two of us will be performing at a big Medieval dinner in- just- three- weeks!!
GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

I am so nervous. I will be playing my guitar, and I'm not very good yet.

I'ma have to practice until my fingers bleed to get the music down- We'll be performing up to ninety minutes or so of music!! Maybe the whole day beforehand I should refrain from speech and save my voice!

Many of our future audiences will be in the SCA, medieval reenactors, and their bards are known to take pay in the form of drink and enjoy a good time. My pals and I tend to be odd in the fact that we really don't drink at all- an oddity at these sort of things- so I suggested the name Stone Cold Sober as a joke... Little did I realize it would stick!

Thus far it's me and one other, and we may have a fiddler joining us, if the gal decides she's up for it- she's already involved in SCA stuff so it won't be weird to her. Maybe someday when we're better we can do pub gigs too! Even if there is only one local pub and the dang americans treat it like a bar. No manners. No manners or class at'all. Tch.

***
Big thanks to all the people who read and replied to my last LJ; I was being all insecure and emo. Shouldn't happen too often again. I'm hardly ever like that, really!

***
I have found geeks to hang out with, and have coerced my little way into a D'n'D campaign, playing my beloved paladin Rosslyn!
...At least until my "the Riddle of Steel" book that I got as a gift arrives. It's the manual for a much more realistic and easy gaming system, which I prefer over Dungeons and Dragons. But any good gaming is good gaming, so I'm not complaining. The guy who's gonna DM is really really cool.

Related to this, I have a new hobby/addiction into which to waste my pennies- Those teeny pewter models of characters that you can use when you chart out movements In Game. I am collecting them. Right now I have Rosslyn, my fighter guy Donovan, my winged guy Ash, my unnamed half orc lady, and a gorgeous unicorn that I am leaving totally silver instead of painting. I painted a bit on them tonight- they look so cool!! *geeks*

So I've been depressed underneath my surface thoughts all week, and I figured out why.
It's something that has been rolling around in the back of my mind but it never really hurt so much as it seems to lately.

Lemme explain. Guys want to like and love girls with shining smiles, and nice laughs, and flowing hair, who giggle and make them feel protective, and are social at parties. Girls who are sometimes graceful, with the facial proportions that have been favored in Western culture for hundreds of years. You know the type. Even features, wide eyes, curvy smiling lips, medium forehead, feminine jawline and gently sloping nose that's not very big. They want to date girls who might occasionally blush, and have normal hobbies, or even quirky ones, so long as the girl maintains that feminine mystique.

I'm not one of those girls. I never will be. I want to study martial arts and kick the crap out of sparring buddies, I can't dance. I'm socially inept because I can't shut up or I make conversation about stuff that embarasses or disturbs everyone else, like my weird hobbies or over-education. I'm not at all femininely graceful for any sustained length of time, half the time I can't find my makeup so I go without, I get mistaken for a boy or a lesbian with my short haircut and up-front mannerisms.

Now, there's a lot of things about me that I like. That I love. Don't get me wrong. I've become the person I want to be in many ways, so much more confident and less afraid. ...But most of the things I like about myself are exactly what people find disturbing or repellant about me.

I could stop being and doing those things...
Become what I know someone could want...People would like me more, and guys might find me attractive...
But I wouldn't be Me anymore...

The idea has been tempting me lately though. I never knew being yourself would be so horribly lonely. I don't have many friends, and a boy hasn't asked me on a date in two years. People don't seem to like me so much as find me weird and amusing, or just tolerate me to be nice because I'm not a bad person, but too weird for them to be close friends with. I can't- Argh, I don't WANT to stop being me.... but that's what's keeping people scared away.

One of my deepest fears is being emotionally alone, I guess... I always knew I couldn't end up with just any guy, it'd have to be someone pretty unusual... but the way things are going I can't even tell if any guy would ever want to be with me.

There, I said it.

I'll shut up now, I'm getting too emo and I need to just stop talking. Sorry to plague you all with whiney tales from my personal life.

"....Et tanik..Txoria no en maite.." ~ Txoria Txorri, Miguel Laboa

From this website which you gotta see. Names are a hobby of mine and if yours is vaguely european I can often tell you what it means and it's derivative. Now go share the madness-> http://notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/index.html

Reader request:
"Hello, I was wondering if anyone new of a good site to go to to find a native american name????
Please let me know. I was thinking of using it for a middle name if I found a name that went nicely with the first name.
Many Native names have really cool meanings.
Just wondering.
I am Mohawk if this helps.
Thank you for your help."

Editor response (not actually sent, but posted online):

"Sure you are, honey. Mohawks are widely known for maintaining their traditions - which they have to ask total strangers about - because they're "really cool." This belief is known in their language as "The Mother Spirit is way awesome. Number one! Woooo! Mohawks freakin' rule!"

You might want to consider Karé:ken Kaná:taro as a good Mohawk name. It means "White Bread." "

Me:
As an actual "native American" I only find this sample even more hysterical. *rotfl*

You Are an Indie Rocker!

You are in it for the love of the music... And you couldn't care less about being signed by a big label. You're all about loving and supporting music - not commercial success. You may not have the fame and glory, but you have complete control of your career.

Sweet! Although in music I tend to fall into the space of folk/rock. Which is actually cooler than it sounds, look up Anais Mitchell, Lizzie Nunnery, Eastmountainsouth, or Smithfield Fair.